Post-Christmas Talking

Well, the holiday period was quite good.
Matt’s family are fun to hang out with, and we played a lot of games.

I was given a new digital camera (yay!) so now I can post pictures on here again. I bet you’re all thrilled about that.

Playing with the camera on the train home…


That was taken shortly before we were stranded in Inverkeithing railway station for an hour, as someone had got themselves hit by a freight train on the Forth Rail Bridge, and no trains were crossing it. Despite the rail staff being less than helpful (in fact, completely useless, including hiding from us when we tried to find out what the hell was going on), we eventually managed to wedge ourselves onto a minibus with twenty other people and finally got into Edinburgh.

I then managed to injure myself at the supermarket – I caught my leg on a metal spike thing sticking out of a tiered stand by the door. It was bloody painful, and I was bleeding. I was with my parents, so my dad went and told the kid at the customer service desk that it should be moved. That was fine. My mum then went up and started loudly saying “My daughter has a hole in her leg! She’s bleeding!” etc, etc. I just backed away from her.
*sigh*
I’m 26. I wish she wouldn’t still do that sort of thing.

Anyway, more photos. I should probably read the manual as opposed to just fiddling with the settings.

Shots of the attractions in Princes Street Gardens. Some of them are weird. The photos, not the shows. Although some of them are odd, too.




This one’s oddly spooky.


Messing with dark and light.




My friend Dave linked me to this, which I have seen before, but I love it and will happily watch it multiple times.

Botox and great big fake boobs.

Hey, you start with therapy and go from there, right?

I went to the doctor again. It was basically to check how I was. He’s spoken to the therapist and I have an appointment on the 11th for the CBT.

I’ve been having really troubled sleep over the last week or so. I find it difficult to drop off, and when I dream, they’re all very, very detailed. Lots of conversations and detailed surroundings. They go on and on with all the details, and then I wake up. It takes me a while to get back to sleep, and when I do they just start up again. I am more tired when I wake up than when I go to sleep. They’re driving me insane.

The doctor said that there wasn’t a lot of point giving me something to help me sleep, as it would probably zonk me out when I was supposed to be awake. The anti-depressants might help me handle the anxiety, but they wouldn’t kick in for between two and eight weeks. So, basically, we’re trying the therapy. In the new year.

I’m not feeling very festive, either. Sometimes I get sparks of it, and we have our decorations up, but that’s about it. Oh well. I’m sure the feeling will kick in sooner or later.

Since I'm boring even myself...

... here's some other (more entertaining) stuff to keep you faithful few going.

The Post-Rapture Post. Now, you may know that you'll be snatched heavenwards in the Rapture. This service, run by godless heathens, allows you to deliver letters to loved ones who may have led a more sinful life.

These cats make me laugh.

Talking monkey emails! I spent a long time perfecting the most disturbing monkey to send to Matt, telling him it loved him.


I'm saying nothing, other than that I believe some of the filming was done in the Loch Ness visitor centre we visited in May.

Attack Of The Sprouts. A simple game, but quite fun.

So, I went to see the doctor...

Ok. So I went to the doctor. We talked for about half an hour, and I did some test thing. It appears I have 'moderate to high' levels of both depression and anxiety. The doctor said that he wasn't going to put me on anti-depressants, as he thought a process called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might help more. I don't know much about CBT. I'm hardly leaping for joy about any sort of therapy. Has anyone had any experience with CBT?

He said it may be the case that medication and therapy together might help. Thing is, I'm definitely not going to get the CBT until the New Year and, although he suggested St John's Wort might help (although case studies seem highly varied to me...) he doesn't want me trying that until after I've seen him in a fortnight. At least.

So I'll just have to wait, I guess.

Quick Update

I phoned the doctor.
I have an appointment Wednesday morning.
I'm scared.

I don't know why I'm updating this often. It appears to be keeping me sane-ish. In some way. The floodgates seem to now be wide open.

Oh, just for the record...

accipiter said...
Well, there's not really much I can say about this. It's you who determines what you think of yourself, so it's up to you to decide who and what you are.

oppiejoe said...
I have found that the less importance I place on other people's opinions about myself, the better handle I have on the things I do.

That's one of my problems. My entire self-image is made up of what other people think of me. Healthy? No. I know that. It doesn't make it less true.

smerk said...
Just remember, there's a whole bunch of us willing to travel half-way across the world for you!

I know. And you'll never appreciate how worthy that made me feel.

Ok, I'll stop posting until I have actual updates. I'm now just airing my nutjobness.

Follow-up.

I have spoken to Matt.
I explained that, basically, my brain chemicals hate me. If I take medication*, then they might stop hating me.

So, although I'm terrified, I'll phone the doctor on Monday to make an appointment.

I'd like to thank all of you who commented. I'd also like to apologise for bottling all this up until it sort of exploded. I really appreciate that I have friends like you, and your support is honestly, and highly, appreciated.

I'll keep you updated.

*Last time (I was 18) the medication did nothing, and possibly made me worse. I still have scars from then (as some of you may have seen whilst visiting) and I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I am terrified that it will re-occur.