Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Of buses and spies.

The thing that does its best to make up for the stellar-ness of the new flat is the commuting time, which is decidedly non-stellar. Buses are relatively few for city living, and the one we get into town takes anywhere up to an hour (although, in all fairness, some of that is due to completely pointless roadworks along the way). Matt and I tend to get the same bus in the mornings before splitting off to catch more, separate, buses to our respective work.

There are regulars on our morning route:

There's the woman with the Dog Aid Society sweatshirt and her (very cute) dog.

There's the teenage girl in the green private school uniform who often carries a musical instrument or hockey stick.

There's the group of boys wearing a different private school uniform, one of whom mysteriously shaved his head at the front, leaving a curtain of longish hair stretching from ear to ear at the back. It looked ludicrous, and we bet that he cut the rest off soon after due to mockery from his peers. We were wrong.

There's the guy with his two little daughters, who dress identically, down to their bags and lunchboxes.

And then there's us. We tend to go a tad loopier in the mornings, and end up having conversations about the oddest things. And sometimes we slip into character. A while back, we were two rival topiary enthusiasts, debating the use of box hedges.
This last week, we were elderly Russian spies, who'd spent the best part of their lives feeding the ducks whilst swapping secrets.

We get strange looks a lot.

I should also point out that Matt is called Pavel because I needed to think of a Russian name, and took one from Star Trek. My nerdiness is showing...

These character things tend to bleed over into online conversations throughout the day. After the topiary debate, I sent Matt an email telling him that he was a fraud, and that his views on box hedges were insane.
This time, we exchanged IMs...

Me: Ahhh, Pavel. My old friend.

Matt: Ahhh Sergei, it has been many years no?

Me: The breast of Mother Russia beckons me ever more often these days.


Matt: it reminds me of the winter blooms of my native Omsk...

Me: Ahh, Omsk. A jewel in the crown.

Matt: aaah yes, to once more taste mother's black bread...

Me: Da. *sigh*
It has been too long, my friend.

Matt: and yet we stay Sergei, we stay... for teh ducks perhaps they ahve become good friends...

Me: Their welcoming quacks warm this stony Slavic heart,

Matt: Not stony Sergei friend! Old and tired yes, but never of teh stone.

Me: I am old, Pavel. I am a foolish old man who yearns too much for the days of his youth. You, my friend, you bring me hope in these dark times.

Me: I go now. I smoke a cigarette, and I think of old times. I will return.

Matt: I will await you once more old friend. *tears chunk of stale bread and tosses it to the pond with a sigh...*

Yeah, we get strange looks.

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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Spam Titles (AKA Google Magnet)

Ok, so at work, it seems a previous receptionist signed up for some pretty dodgy sites using the reception email address. Every morning, despite all the precautions against spam, I have to clear the inbox of dozens of phishing scams, adverts for online pharmacies, offers of very cheap software, and the occasional Nigerian scam. And, of course, the viagra spam. Full of spelling errors (both accidental and deliberate to avoid the spam filters), ludicrous claims, and, in a few of them, the word "MegaDick".
Below is one day's worth of 'increase your size' email titles, my responses, and one of the disturbing images that came with...

Nights full of excitement become more real with a new dic'k-increasing remedy!

As opposed to imaginary?

Take a challenge of a penile size competition and win with our wonder-med!cine!
There are competitions? What on earth are the prizes?

If you treat your filly as a goddess, why not become a God in her bedroom?
Beastiality is bad, mmmmkay?

There are no losers among the possessors of long dic'ks. Now you can be one of them!
None? None at all? Cite, please!

The most defiant fillies will strive for riding your new big Italian stallion
Ahhh, they have a farm. Now I understand.

It's amazing how this wonderful pill can improve your dik!
But what will it do for my dik-dik?

Turn your trouser mouse into a one-eyed giant with this brand new medicine
... I've never heard the term 'trouser mouse' before.

Cutest girls will go horny and wild when you pull out your new big python
They're really big (no pun intended) on the animal comparisons, aren't they?

Length and strength is what your di'ck really needs!
My di'ck? Really?

Enhance your manliness and sensuality with a new size of your dick
But... I don't want to enhance my manliness!

Even if you were not born with a massive rod, you may easily obtain it
At some sort of DIY shop?

Gigantic rod may be easily obtained with this new medicine
Well, hoorah. My question is answered.

Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading? Our offer will interest you
Mr Winkie 2.0: Now extendable, and with a vulcanised rubber grip!

You surely deserve to be packed with larger d'ck
Wait, wait, wait... is this one directed at men or women? If it's the latter... ewwww.

May i ask why you're so unhappy with your dic'k?
Certainly. It's because it's non-existent. How about you?

Never agree to be a small-dic'ked loser! Struggle for your s'e_xual well-being!

Have you ever felt a kiss of a womb? With your new big rod you'll feel it!
"I've been kissed by a womb on the grave,
I've been kissed by a womb
I've been kissed by a womb on the grave,
...And if I should fall along the way
I've been kissed by a womb
...been kissed by a womb on the grave."

As your dic'k gets larger, no woman will say "no"
Ummm... no.

Increasing your penile size is your sure way towards s'e_xual health and well-being
By having a dangerous and unnecessary drug in your system? Yeah, 'health and well-being', all right.

If your girl cannot be satisfied with your weewee, you have to turn it into a schlong!
Weewee? Schlong? Sexy!

Make your hot girlfriend climax unceasingly stuffing her flower with your new big shaft!

Dreamin' of having a huge schlong, like black bros have? Now that's not a problem!
Will it also be black?

Enjoy with you hard stick
This somehow sounds like a mistranslated instruction for something innocent.

Get ready for unbelievable changes in your s'e_xual life

You will work wonders in bed with your new long and stiff magic love stick
I'm sure there's some Harry Potter slash fiction out there with this sentence in it...

Your short sword could be much longer and win you more s'e_xual battles!
...and I'm sure there's some WoW slash fiction out there with this sentence in it.

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

Return of the Jedi Photos

Well, I did promise photos of the house...

These were taken whilst sitting on our green sofa, which is in a middling position along the back wall of the living room, so they make the room look about half as big as it is. And kinda squinty. I'll get better shots soon.

The hall, pointing towards the front door at the far end. The door on the right is into our bedroom, the one on the left is our kitchen.

The ladder is behind the front door when it's open.
Oh, and the hatch leads into the attic where Alfie the Cockney Murderer lives (when we first opened the hatch, a scalpel fell out, narrowly missing my face. Hence Alfie).

And this is pointing the other way. The door on the right is the kitchen, the doors on the left are our bedroom and the living room, the door at the end is a cupboard, and the hall turns right at the end to lead to the bathroom and spare room / library.

I was trying to take a photo of Hobble to show how fluffy she is, and how well she's recovered, since she'd been taken to the vet and got medication. She wasn't compliant, so you'll just have to make do with a shot of her looking even more mental than normal.

I went shopping today. I actually buy clothes very rarely. I find it difficult when different shops mean I fit different sizes, and I loathe changing rooms, what with their fluorescent lights and overheated tiny cubicles. However, I needed work clothes, so I managed to track these down. I went for the "they look like they'd fit me. I'll just buy them and try them on at home in comfort, then bring them back if they don't fit." routine.

I tried them on together, however, and not only do they fit, they also look great, especially with my high-heeled knee boots. I doubt I'm turning into a fashionista, but it's nice to feel stylish once in a while.

The top is a slightly tunic-y fitted top with sort of art deco detail around the bust, and a scoop neck.

And the skirt is faux-seude, slightly less blue-ish than this photo suggests, swingy, and just mid-calf.

Lastly, and traditionally... some graffiti. All found on the National Museum of Scotland.

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