Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Spam Titles (AKA Google Magnet)

Ok, so at work, it seems a previous receptionist signed up for some pretty dodgy sites using the reception email address. Every morning, despite all the precautions against spam, I have to clear the inbox of dozens of phishing scams, adverts for online pharmacies, offers of very cheap software, and the occasional Nigerian scam. And, of course, the viagra spam. Full of spelling errors (both accidental and deliberate to avoid the spam filters), ludicrous claims, and, in a few of them, the word "MegaDick".
Below is one day's worth of 'increase your size' email titles, my responses, and one of the disturbing images that came with...

Nights full of excitement become more real with a new dic'k-increasing remedy!

As opposed to imaginary?

Take a challenge of a penile size competition and win with our wonder-med!cine!
There are competitions? What on earth are the prizes?

If you treat your filly as a goddess, why not become a God in her bedroom?
Beastiality is bad, mmmmkay?

There are no losers among the possessors of long dic'ks. Now you can be one of them!
None? None at all? Cite, please!

The most defiant fillies will strive for riding your new big Italian stallion
Ahhh, they have a farm. Now I understand.

It's amazing how this wonderful pill can improve your dik!
But what will it do for my dik-dik?

Turn your trouser mouse into a one-eyed giant with this brand new medicine
... I've never heard the term 'trouser mouse' before.

Cutest girls will go horny and wild when you pull out your new big python
They're really big (no pun intended) on the animal comparisons, aren't they?

Length and strength is what your di'ck really needs!
My di'ck? Really?

Enhance your manliness and sensuality with a new size of your dick
But... I don't want to enhance my manliness!

Even if you were not born with a massive rod, you may easily obtain it
At some sort of DIY shop?

Gigantic rod may be easily obtained with this new medicine
Well, hoorah. My question is answered.

Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading? Our offer will interest you
Mr Winkie 2.0: Now extendable, and with a vulcanised rubber grip!

You surely deserve to be packed with larger d'ck
Wait, wait, wait... is this one directed at men or women? If it's the latter... ewwww.

May i ask why you're so unhappy with your dic'k?
Certainly. It's because it's non-existent. How about you?

Never agree to be a small-dic'ked loser! Struggle for your s'e_xual well-being!

Have you ever felt a kiss of a womb? With your new big rod you'll feel it!
"I've been kissed by a womb on the grave,
I've been kissed by a womb
I've been kissed by a womb on the grave,
...And if I should fall along the way
I've been kissed by a womb
...been kissed by a womb on the grave."

As your dic'k gets larger, no woman will say "no"
Ummm... no.

Increasing your penile size is your sure way towards s'e_xual health and well-being
By having a dangerous and unnecessary drug in your system? Yeah, 'health and well-being', all right.

If your girl cannot be satisfied with your weewee, you have to turn it into a schlong!
Weewee? Schlong? Sexy!

Make your hot girlfriend climax unceasingly stuffing her flower with your new big shaft!

Dreamin' of having a huge schlong, like black bros have? Now that's not a problem!
Will it also be black?

Enjoy with you hard stick
This somehow sounds like a mistranslated instruction for something innocent.

Get ready for unbelievable changes in your s'e_xual life

You will work wonders in bed with your new long and stiff magic love stick
I'm sure there's some Harry Potter slash fiction out there with this sentence in it...

Your short sword could be much longer and win you more s'e_xual battles!
...and I'm sure there's some WoW slash fiction out there with this sentence in it.

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At 1:06 am, Anonymous accipiter said...

I like how some of those make it sound as though the typical and proper way to meet girls is to walk up to them and drop your pants. Now I know what I was doing wrong, I suppose. At least your blog has taught me proper procedure!

Hey, Smerk. . . ;-)

At 5:47 am, Blogger Tah said...

Ha ha ha. Great stuff.

"It's amazing how this wonderful pill can improve your dik!"

That one must be aimed at those folks from the Netherlands. (Or is that "nether lands" to make a better pun?)

"Make your hot girlfriend climax unceasingly stuffing her flower with your new big shaft!"

If I have a hot girlfriend already I obviously don't need to worry about my size. Either it's a good size or I'm using it just fine. Or both.

At 9:35 am, Blogger Smerk said...

You really do get some interesting spam, Boo. :D

At 9:36 am, Blogger Nettie said...


Yup, that just about sums that up think. Not much else I can really say, apart from...


I wonder how many people actually buy this product?

At 12:55 pm, Blogger LaMa said...

I actually don't think the former receptionist signed up for anything and caused this SPAM-flood. This just happens when your e-mail address is very public. For example when it is mentioned on a website, and in the inboxes and maybe address boxes of many people. Which a reception e-mail likely is. It then gets easily harvested by SPAM-bots. A flood os SPAM is the result.
I have the same here. My addresses that are on my website and a few association websites are the ones that generate 150+ spam-messages to me each day.

At 12:57 pm, Blogger LaMa said...

I wonder the same as Nettie by the way. You must be a loser if you buy this kind of stuff. Or should I say: a dick-head? ;-p
I am happy with my 6" anyway... ;-p

At 6:32 pm, Blogger Hieronymus Anonymous said...

Good point (*sniggers*), LaMa.
Some of them use her name (in an 'insert (*sniggers*) victim's name here' template kinda way. You're right, though. I shouldn't assume it's all her fault. Probably only about 10%.

At 2:04 am, Blogger Mouse said...

'Trouser mouse' sounds so sweet!

At 1:22 am, Blogger oppiejoe said...

*laughs with Mouse*


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