Thursday, August 11, 2005

Not Dead Yet!

An open letter to tourists visiting Edinburgh during the Festival.

Dear sirs and madams,

First of all, I’d like to welcome you to my country and my city. Beautiful, isn’t it?

Now, I know you’re here to enjoy yourself, sightsee, shop, maybe even take in some shows, but please remember that some of us are trying to get on with our regular working lives. We have places to go, people to see, and deadlines to keep. We don’t have time to dawdle along behind you as you and your family spread across the whole pavement and amble down the Royal Mile. No, we end up walking in the road, in our own city, to get by.

I don’t do it in your cities; you don’t do it in mine, deal?

And, at the end of a long, busy day, I just want to get home and put my feet up. Of course, thanks to your tendency to stop dead in the middle of the pavement and have a conversation with fifteen members of your family, and your habit of crossing the road in front of traffic (I was under the impression that most developed countries used traffic lights), thus causing snarl-ups, traffic jams and sometimes accidents, it takes me twice as long to get home during the Festival than at any other time. Thank you ever so.

All I am asking is that you respect this city and its inhabitants as I do those that I visit. Appreciate that this city wasn’t built for the sole purpose of tourists and visitors. Be polite and we’ll do the same.

I realise that there are a lot of non-locals who don’t do this sort of thing, but with this many visitors to the city, there ends up being a lot who do.

Thank you.

PS Please do not have picnics in my back garden again, either. It’s private property.


At 8:08 pm, Anonymous accipiter said...

Also, please be sure to donate generously to that most cherished of Edinburgh landmarks, the Bridge of Dead Pigeons. While your donations will not be used for the actual care and upkeep of the bridge itself, they will allow our beloved BDP correspondents to purchase sustenance for themselves, and thus to continue with their tireless efforts to keep the world up to date on the latest news in mutilated birds. To make your donation, please purchase a large bottle of vodka, proceed to the BDP, and place any large donations securely beneath the bottle (this may require multiple bottles). For smaller amounts do the same, but be sure to wrap your donation securely within several layers of £1000 notes to protect it from any vodka leakage. Thank you very much.

At 8:20 pm, Anonymous winona said...

Hmmm, maybe that's what the mystery mug was for. The one pigeon drank all the vodka, I know if I was that sixe and I drank a whole mug of vodka, I might be a bit mummfied, too.

At 3:55 pm, Blogger Camille Moriarty said...

Dear Bog what is it with Scots and vodka? It's almost as abd as we natives of Beefburger-Skyscraper-and-Yellowcabland with our cars!!!


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