Monday, September 25, 2006

The bubble.

The bubble lives in my brain. The bubble is full of all the hopelessness and humiliation and terror. The bubble is always there. The bubble is cold. The bubble changes size. Sometimes, only occasionally, it is tiny, and sometimes, only occasionally, it is huge, rubbing against thoughts that it has nothing to do with, chilling them. Sometimes, like now, like for the last couple of weeks, all I can think of are the terrors, the shamings, the uselessness of me.

The bubble can make me shiver all over. I can physically feel me retracting inside my own skin (although that's impossible). It's cold.

The bubble makes me stop on the inside. I'll crack jokes and chat, but inside I'm firmly contained. I have to be.

Right now, I'm terrified about jobs, and money, and the writing I do to make the bit of income I have. I relive scenes from up to 15 years ago - everything that's hurt me - and I am ashamed.

Right now, the bubble is chilly against the edges of my skull. I think this time it's going to be really bad.


At 10:19 am, Blogger LaMa said...

* hug *

Don't let the bubble take over honey. You are not useless, instead you are very talented.

* hugs again *

At 1:05 pm, Anonymous smerk said...

*hugs* Wow, and I thought I felt gloomy. I wish I was able to put my feelings into such expressive words as you do, Boo.

At 6:37 pm, Blogger thunderstruck said...

I'm sorry about it honey, find a way to burst it? Although much much easier said than done i know.
I wish i could write as well as you do.

At 11:20 pm, Blogger ScarletManuka said...

Everyone goes through stages in their lives love where it feels like things will never get better, and that no matter what happens, you can never sink lower than you feel you are now. But trust me, it will pass. Once, when I was feeling much the same, my mother in law said to me 'Trust me love, it can always get worse. It feels bad now, but it can always get worse'. I got to thinking after that and saw that she was right. I just had to dwell on the posotive things in my life. Look at you! You have a wonderful husband, you're talented, creative, have friends who are willing to fly around the world to meet you, and you have a great sister who you see all the time.
This will pass love, but until it does, we'll all be here to support you.

At 7:37 pm, Blogger oppiejoe said...

Boo... Sweetie... I am in the darkest chapter of my life right now and I have not given in to the seductive bliss of paralyzation over worry & self-doubt in my situation.

Try not to focus on the things you can't do anything about. Worry is trying to change the things in the future which may not come to pass and guilt (shame) is wasting your present moments trying to change those things from the past.

You are a very intelligent person and I am certain that you are not a time traveler, so strive to eliminate that self defeating behavior which is interfering with your present moments (to the best of your ability... ). The "bubble" might be a part of your identity, but it can only rule your actions if you let it... ultimately, you are in control of everything within your mind (unless you believe the reptoids are influencing you somehow) and you choose how to approach things... from a position of fear or strength, as a victim or in control.

I realize that reality finds you in situations which you would rather not be in and do not have complete control over, but the "bubble" is totally within the sphere of "you"... don't let it rule you.


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