Thursday, August 17, 2006

Solitude in the skull.

Do you ever not believe in yourself?

Do you ever do that thing when you look at yourself in the mirror, and gradually it just becomes weirder and weirder until it’s like you’re looking at a stranger?

And then you start thinking how you don’t sound like you think you sound (stupid skull reverberations), and that you don’t look like you think you look because, after all, you always see you backwards in the mirror.

And that then, how can you ever know what other people see and hear of you?

And then things you say – do you think about them first? Couldn’t they have been said by someone else inside your brain?

And all the unconscious mannerisms and gestures? How in control of your own body and mind can you ever really be?

And then the things you’ve agreed to and refused – would people be seeing a different person if the choice had gone the other way? Would you be a different person?

What about responsibilities? How can a random jumble of thoughts and synapses be responsible for anything?

How can neurons and bacteria and electrical impulses drive the lump of flesh that you carry around with you every day, making it bow to the whim of the invisible mind?

How can the chemistry make you willing to die for someone? To have likes and dislikes, fears and love?

How is it possible for humans to exist in this maelstrom of doubt and confusion – the ultimate chaos?

How?

And where did I go?

7 Comments:

At 1:25 pm, Blogger LaMa said...

You.think.way.too.much, way.too.deep....

(but yeah: been there, done that)

 
At 1:47 pm, Anonymous accipiter said...

I think that Boo needs some hot tea.

 
At 9:31 pm, Blogger Mouse said...

I often wish that I'd turned out to be a different person.

 
At 10:51 pm, Blogger LaMa said...

Why Mouse? You are good as you are (for as far as I know you)

 
At 11:19 pm, Blogger ScarletManuka said...

I think everyone at some point ponders such things Boo (although perhaps not as deeply...)
Everything you've ever done can ultimately be traced back to one decision so really, one choice can alter who you would have been.
Imagine how different your life would have been if you'd said 'no' instead of 'yes' when Matt popped the question? (or vice versa - I don't know if you proposed or not)
But at the end of the day, we have to live with the choices we've made and give no thought to the monkeys who operate our brains.

 
At 3:37 pm, Blogger NEO said...

I ponder issues such as these often, but our puny human minds can't come up with a good answer.

 
At 7:20 pm, Blogger oppiejoe said...

I know what you mean... sometimes I wish I was invisible (but then I would get into WAY too much trouble if that were the case)

Sometimes we find an answer and sometimes we don't...

 

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