Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Happy fun happy post.

The bubble's all full of voices these days.
It cripples me in ways I find difficult to explain. It makes me want to not leave the house. It makes me paranoid about everything. Does this friend like everyone else more than me? Does that friend? Should I say something? Am I overreacting? Why is that person looking at me?

I've also been cutting myself again. Not in the last week or two, and not seriously - just scratches. It's not good. (I have an elaborate emotional thing with the cutting, but I don't want to get into that at the moment.) The scratches that I said were Hastings, however, were Hastings. I'm not enough of a nutjob to blame self inflictedness on an innocent rat.

So then there's the extra thing. People make jokes about this sort of thing. People find someone cutting themselves funny. Or they assume things about you. I suppose that's fair enough. I can't blame them. It makes me feel worse about it, but then it's my fault for doing it in the first place.

God, did this have a point in the first place?
Oh yeah.
Should I be on medication again?
I'm scared of the doctor, and I'm scared of what happened last time I was on the anti-depressants.
I don't want Matt to think I'm not happy with him, because I am.
Fuckit, I don't know.



At 1:50 am, Anonymous accipiter said...

Well, there's not really much I can say about this. It's you who determines what you think of yourself, so it's up to you to decide who and what you are. You can't do anything about what other people think of you, and no two people like and dislike all the same things, so you might as well just do your best at being you. That way you're at least being honest. There will always be people who dislike you, whatever image of yourself they see. And there will always be some people who do like you.

For what it's worth, though, I think you're spiffy. And I do believe that many others think the same.

And remember, a lot of people are just twits.

At 10:32 am, Anonymous smerk said...

What Acci said! I'm sure Matt'd understand that there's nothing identifiable that's making you unhappy. And it's up to you whether you end up on medication or not. I've seen good & bad results with anti-depressents.

Just remember, there's a whole bunch of us willing to travel half-way across the world for you!

At 11:16 pm, Blogger oppiejoe said...

Boo... remember that it isn't what is on the outside that counts.. the "you" people "see" is tied to the you they cannot... and that is the person we love. I can't hear your voices, nor do I have my own voices (other than my inner dialogue), but I do have a pretty tough situation I am working through and no road map to guide me. I have found that the less importance I place on other people's opinions about myself, the better handle I have on the things I do. Acci said it very well when he basically said that you will never be able to please all of the people all of the time... and I suggest that you might try to learn to please yourself first and then deal with helping others to understand why you do what you do later... if they don't understand... accept it and move on. In the long run you have to live your own life and let others live theirs.

I am sure that Matt would be more than willing to listen to you and offer comfort to you if you ask... He seems to love you very much and understand things about you pretty well from my distant perspective. I hope I am right... because you really need someone like him close enough to support and comfort you.

I don't know much about cutting, but I do have enough sense not to make fun of it. You know use a lot of sarcasm and occasionally have made light of questionable subjects... but in this case, on your personal space, I offer you the same thing you have offered me... write me anytime... or call me if you need to (I will PM my info to your MoH PM box)...

You are not a nutjob Boo... you are just another human... someone I find intelligent, warm, caring, funny, sensitive, pretty, interesting, worldly, adventurous, and a thousand other "good" labels... but at the end of it all I consider you my friend and I would hate to see you damaged by your not leaning on me (us) once in a while... I think that was part of the point of your posting... I know I have done the same.

We're here to help you get through this... and we love you sweetie... really we do

At 11:21 pm, Blogger ScarletManuka said...

*big hugs*
Like Smerk, I've seen good and bad results when using meds so it's up to you to make that hard decision. How did they affect you last time?

And Matt seems like a guy who's going to give you all the support you need, so stop worrying about that!

Lastly, I'm only ever a phone call away so let me know if you need to chat and we'll figure our way around these accursed time differences.

At 11:41 pm, Blogger thunderstruck said...

what acci said is about right really, cant think of much else to say... i have faith in you though, im sure you'll work things out.

At 2:09 pm, Blogger LaMa said...

* big warm hug *

Problem with anti-depressants is that you need to find the ones that work with you. And how well it works varies from person to person. But if you and your doc find the correct ones for you, they can really help on many (alas not all) occasions, in at least lightening up some of the darkness a bit.

Also I understand you're afraid. It is completely understandable.

The cutting is a signal. But don't bother about it too much.

* big warm hug again *


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