Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Making a stand.

It's a funny thing, depression. It will hit you when you least expect it. Or when you might expect it. Or when you absolutely do expect it. It's an equal-opportunities sort of thing, depression.

I can't stand the word.
Depressed. Depressed. Depressed.

I don't want to be depressed, nor do I associate the way I feel with that word.

Yeah, still not that.

What would I prefer it to be called?
It's a difficult question, with no easy answer.
But I am not pushed down, so I hate to say I am depressed. That I suffer from depression.

I often lie in bed and all I can think about are bad things. What-ifs. Not even future what-ifs, necessarily, either. Never-weres. "What if I'd said this to that person during that conversation? They'd have been terribly upset. I'd have been upset. That would have been horrible."
I can't think of the good stuff. Not how I have friends I love, a husband whom I adore, pets that make me happy. Not how we went for a walk and saw flowers blooming, that I cooked delicious foods, that I took beautiful photographs, that I read an awesome book. Not that we have a roof over our heads, food to eat, technology and books galore.

The not-depression is still the bubble, sure, but it's also a miasma. I feel it chilly against my thoughts, but I can also feel it clinging damply to my shoulders.

I deal with it as best I can, for as long as I can, but sooner or later it winds its way through too much of me. And this is when I withdraw. I don't talk to my friends, my family, the people who make me laugh. I stay at home. I hug Matt a lot, trying to get the image of him dead to disappear from my brain.

But this is my battle with the stupid little brain chemicals. They're not pushing me down without a fight. And that is what this wailing in the dark is all about.
It's my stand.

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At 8:28 pm, Blogger Acci said...

Maybe threats will help: if you don't start cheering up, all of us on the MoH will dress up in cheerleader garb and take photos of us doing somersaults and the like cheering you on! So there!

At 4:26 am, Blogger Shawna said...


I know that nothing I can say or do can really make anything better (after all, we're not exactly within walking distance of each other), but I'm here for you if you ever need a friend to talk to.

At 11:22 pm, Blogger Nettie said...


I can't really think of a word for it either but I fully agree with you that depression isn't really adequate.


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